Explaining Surrogacy to a Child

Surrogate motherhood is the only way for women who have no uterus or suffering from serious illnesses to have a genetically related child. Many families who resort to the help of surrogate mothers are wondering how to tell a child about his or her birth and whether it should be done at all.

This question has no definite answer. There are families who consider it necessary to tell the child about surrogate motherhood / donation of cells, and there are those who prefer to bury this truth far and forever. Both are entitled to this and cannot be the subject of accusations and reproaches. In any case, it is necessary to take into account the moment that sooner or later there can always be a “friendly” neighbor, who will tell everything to your child.


Often, parents who use assistive methods of reproduction do not really spread words about this, and sometimes even hide this fact, even from close relatives. And after the successful completion of the program, they entirely forget about the participation of a certain surrogate mother, and the fact that the child was born of a different woman.


But, if you have already decided to tell the child about the miraculous technologies with which he or she was born, do it right. Have a pre-talk with a professional psychologist on how to correctly and painlessly tell the baby about the conception and birth process. Choose the right words and manner of the story so that the child is all safe and understood.


Sooner or later, almost all parents who used the services of a surrogate mother or the method of IVF are faced with the question whether to tell a child about it. It is difficult to keep information about a surrogate mother secret from relatives and acquaintances. There is a possibility that the child will know that it was not his mother who bore him. There may be questions and the child will need to get answers.

While the children are small, they do not understand how the surrogate motherhood works. From birth to three years children do only care about your love and affection. Between the ages of 6 and 7, children ask a lot of questions about how they were born. At this age, it is better to respond to children questions explicitly while avoiding abstract concepts and vague definitions.

Psychologists advise to tell children about how a baby was born when children ask about it. This happens more often at the age of six. It is worth avoiding biological terms that are not understood by children. You can do this with the help of special children’s literature with pictures. Parents, who have adopted a child or used the method of IVF or a surrogate mother, should tell the children about it as soon as possible. Psychologists have proven that it is better for a child to learn about it from parents than to hear about it from peers.
To tell the truth to the kid or not is the choice of parents. But the child always feels that something is being hidden from him. You can tell a story or a fairy tale in which the characters were in a similar situation to describe their feelings and experiences.

Do not set a certain age limit to have an honest talk with a child. If it seems obvious to you that your child will not understand you, then it is better to postpone a conversation.

It is important to explain that it is perfectly normal when one woman gave birth to a child, and another brings him up. It is a good thing if the child learns about how he ended up in your family and does not take it personally. In the process of such a conversation, the child learns the words “test tube baby”, “surrogate motherhood”, “surrogate mother”, “woman who carried the baby”, “biological parents”. It is very important to explain the meaning of these words.
It is essential to remember the fact that a surrogate mother is only a woman who bears a child. Genetically your child is not connected to her in any way. Explain to your child that he or she has no similarities whatsoever with the surrogate mother, neither physical nor psychological. There is also no need for the child to meet the woman who gave birth to him. After all, think of cell donors, surrogate mothers as part of the medical staff that helped your dreams come true.

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